I doubt that I will be posting much here from now on. Sometimes I like the anonymity of being able to blog about anything without having others that know me in real life ask and discuss about whatever I’ve posted. Although majority of my posts have been private, sometimes I would like to be able to make it public. I’m going through quite a change lately. Everything is looking up these days. Things that are falling into place.
I finally caved in the other day and created a tumblr. I don’t know why I never created one in the beginning considering how I love to find fun things online. It’s great. Addicting. Along with stumble and rss feeds.
A friend and I were brainstorming ideas once for a blog and we came upon the topic of the men that were in our lives and I have quite a number of amusing stories that I can share, so perhaps my future posts will be a mixture of that and other oddities. I’ll still be posting here from time to time. Just not as much as I used to. For now, I’ll be posting lot here.
cai li kai mei duo jiu jiu kai shi dan xin jin tian de ni guo de hao bu hao
I’ve only left for a short while and already I start to worry about how you’re doing today
zheng ge hua mian shi ni xiang ni xiang de shui bu zhao
My mind’s filled with you and as I think about you I can’t fall asleep
zui du du na ke ai de mo yang hai you zai ni shen shang xiang xiang de wei dao
Your cute expression when you pout, and the fragrance of your body
wo de kuai le shi ni xiang ni xiang de dou hui xiao
My happiness is you, as I think about you I always smile
mei you ni zai wo you duo nan ao
When you’re not here, it’s so hard for me to bear
mei you ni fan wo you duo fan nao
When I don’t have you to think about, I am so troubled
an jing de ting ni sa jiao kan ni shui zhao yi zhi dao lao
Quietly listening to you whine, watching you sleep till we grow old
zheng ke xin xuan zai ban kong wo zhi neng gou yuan yuan kan zhao
My whole heart hangs in the air, I can only watch from afar
周杰倫 Jay Chou, 開不了口 Kai Bu Liao Kou Can’t Open My Mouth
I didn’t catch more than a 30 minute nap last night. Couldn’t sleep after getting off the phone so I caught up on some photoshopping fun and then decided to make a bracelet out of a bunch of colorful strings and yarns I bought a long time ago. While putting wax on the end of the bracelet, stupid me forgot how close my hair was to the candle. I have a recollection of thinking.. what is that zztttt sound and burning smell? YIKES. There goes a bit of my bangs… At around 7AM, decided it was finally time to head to bed, rolled around in bed. The last time I glanced at my clock, it said 7:20AM.
8AM. My alarm on my phone blares on and on waking me. The first waking thought, “why is it so cold in my room??” Still in a daze, I lie in bed listening to the pitter patter of the morning rain. Fuck. Work today. Shower, dress, run out the door. FREEZING. Boring day at work. Doodled endlessly on paper till my coworker came in at 10:30. He’s a fairly new coworker so we bonded over hazy days of drugs and alcohol, memories of Taiwan, surfing and snowboarding. Was originally going to throw out the doodle I made but coworker thought it was cool so he decided to take it with him. “It looks trippy” (words from a former pothead, ofcourse) Headed to the mall after. Nothing better to get myself in a better mood than throwing down money on more useless necessities of mine.
Now it’s 6:40PM. Still freezing. Not used to this hot and cold temperature these days. I think it’s time to pass out and end this brain fart.
There are some things I’m very sure about. Like how you will never be a part of my life again. It’s not something I’m going to spend my time mourning about, it just is. I thought a lot about it recently since you’ve tried to come back into my life and from the time we first started speaking again you’ve let me down countless of times. Can’t help and think how ironic that is. Just like how it used to be.
I have to admit how easy it is to fall back into an ease with you. I think it’s because you were a presence in my life for some time and there is this familiarity. This familiarity isn’t enough though. It isn’t enough for me to look past your faults, yet again.
You called me and asked me to come out for a bit. You reach out and give me an awkward hug. In the car you ask me what’s been going on in my life. I’m sitting in the same spot where I used to, with my legs on the dashboard, windows down and wind in my hair. I’m reluctant to tell you how much fun I’ve been having. I’m reluctant to tell you how much I didn’t miss you, that throughout the time your name did not surface much in my mind. It was a struggle that night, I wanted to tell you words that I’ve left unsaid but still the words did not leave my lips.
I called asking if you wanted to shoot, like old times. Plans fell through. I called and you’re doing something else with __. I never expected __ to come in between us. Though what right do I have to expect anything from you now? I suppose that is my fault, always expecting the best from others. It was always so hard with you. Push and pull. I always felt that I had to compete with others for your attention. It was never me on your mind. There were always other things, other people that were more important to you than I was.
A few nights ago I called with a voice filled with tears because I remember your words, call me, for anything. I should have known better that it was always words with you. Endless amounts of pretty words that hold no meaning. Those close to me know how hard it is for me to ask for help. Even when I have tears streaming down my face I always play everything off. I expected much more for you, I guess I always did. I guess I always miscalculated you.
I called to ask for a small favor. You let me down. Does anyone see a pattern here?
Even now when you try to come back into my life I find myself being let down by you again. You do recall it was you who wanted to come back into my life right? Funny, how it doesn’t seem that way. Funny, how even now I still feel bitterness towards you. I have too much going on in my life now that trying to fix whatever is left of this friendship is too tiresome for me.This friendship takes too much to hold together and it’s always just better without you here.
I find myself sitting here today, shaking with anger. I raise the volume on my speakers to the max, turn the bass up till I can feel the desk and floor quake underneath me. The rhythm of the electric guitar, the banging, the thrashing noise of the drums. The pounding noise of the music coursing through my veins. It makes me feel alive. My anger keeps me alive. It gives me a reminder that I am here. That there is more to me than this numbness I’ve felt. I close my eyes and give in. I get lost in this feeling of the bass thrumming in my body. I let the screaming words emitting from my speakers take over me. I let the anger and emotions wash out and I am just a body, a presence in this chair. There’s nothing better for me right now than this rush.