My fear, for you.

I worry about you. I’m sitting here, with my heart in my throat. Thoughts running through my head. There is this tightness, this choking fear, as if someone had their hands around me and were wringing me like a towel. Squeezing everything out until I am left with this numbing fear. I know it’s not something small when you tell me you’re thinking of going back to your therapist. I know it’s a big deal when you wont tell me anything, wont tell me what is bothering you.

I remember all the times you’ve been there for me. I remember how fucked up I was when I first met you and how much you impacted my life throughout these years. You were the one I chatted with at 4 in the morning, with shaking hands, tears pouring down my face. You watched me grow, you watched me fall apart, you watched me climb up. You were there at my worst, when no one was there. If I can quote something cliche, you were the one to catch me as I fell. You. you. you.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I know the rage we both have inside. I may be wrong, but I’m guessing. We’ve both seen the world through a harsh reality at a young age. I fear because at times this rage consumes me and because you don’t tell me anything, I am afraid of what you are bottling inside.

As selfish as this may sound, I am afraid of how my life will be without you. You hold a huge chunk in my heart. I wish you would let your guards down and tell me, but I understand. It’s not easy for me to let my guards down either. You are this constant presence in my life, no matter how far you are or how distant we seem to grow, because I know that once things start to fall apart, you are the first on my mind. For everything. I run to you.

想要對妳說的 不敢說的愛 .


July 11, 2007. fear, friends, July 2007, thoughts.

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