Sobering up.

Tonight was one of those sobering nights, where everything about myself became crystal clear. The past two weeks have been the darkest I’ve been in quite a few months. People ask me why I’m up at odd hours of the night and I make light of it. It sounds quite silly but at night is when I am most intense; when I sit in front of this screen with music playing softly in the background and I am furiously typing away at the keyboard blogging private entries that I fear to make public.

My fears, my guilt, my past keeps me awake at night. I try to keep everything at bay. I try to “turn my emotions off” as one of my friend likes to say, but it’s something I’ve never been able to accomplish. I have a strong personality, I am emotional, I am aggressive. I am aggressive about everything in my life but myself. I can’t just turn my emotions off.

I seem to always write about everything I am, but there are many things I’m not…. but we’ll save that for another post.

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August 14, 2007. August 2007, fear, thoughts.

One Comment

  1. lostinca replied:

    Turning off your emotions isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Everything gets simple and grey and there seems no reason to turn them on again. Years later, when it is clear you can’t bear it anymore, some doors have closed to you. It’s a kind of lying to yourself and I would be a better person if I had never done it.

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