A moment of thought.

There are some things I’m very sure about. Like how you will never be a part of my life again. It’s not something I’m going to spend my time mourning about, it just is. I thought a lot about it recently since you’ve tried to come back into my life and from the time we first started speaking again you’ve let me down countless of times. Can’t help and think how ironic that is. Just like how it used to be.

I have to admit how easy it is to fall back into an ease with you. I think it’s because you were a presence in my life for some time and there is this familiarity. This familiarity isn’t enough though. It isn’t enough for me to look past your faults, yet again.

You called me and asked me to come out for a bit. You reach out and give me an awkward hug. In the car you ask me what’s been going on in my life. I’m sitting in the same spot where I used to, with my legs on the dashboard, windows down and wind in my hair. I’m reluctant to tell you how much fun I’ve been having. I’m reluctant to tell you how much I didn’t miss you, that throughout the time your name did not surface much in my mind. It was a struggle that night, I wanted to tell you words that I’ve left unsaid but still the words did not leave my lips.

I called asking if you wanted to shoot, like old times. Plans fell through. I called and you’re doing something else with __. I never expected __ to come in between us. Though what right do I have to expect anything from you now? I suppose that is my fault, always expecting the best from others. It was always so hard with you. Push and pull. I always felt that I had to compete with others for your attention. It was never me on your mind. There were always other things, other people that were more important to you than I was.

A few nights ago I called with a voice filled with tears because I remember your words, call me, for anything. I should have known better that it was always words with you. Endless amounts of pretty words that hold no meaning. Those close to me know how hard it is for me to ask for help. Even when I have tears streaming down my face I always play everything off. I expected much more for you, I guess I always did. I guess I always miscalculated you.

I called to ask for a small favor. You let me down. Does anyone see a pattern here?

Even now when you try to come back into my life I find myself being let down by you again. You do recall it was you who wanted to come back into my life right? Funny, how it doesn’t seem that way. Funny, how even now I still feel bitterness towards you. I have too much going on in my life now that trying to fix whatever is left of this friendship is too tiresome for me.This friendship takes too much to hold together and it’s always just better without you here.

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August 21, 2007. August 2007, thoughts.

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