Middle, middle.

I doubt that I will be posting much here from now on. Sometimes I like the anonymity of being able to blog about anything without having others that know me in real life ask and discuss about whatever I’ve posted. Although majority of my posts have been private, sometimes I would like to be able to make it public. I’m going through quite a change lately. Everything is looking up these days. Things that are falling into place.

I finally caved in the other day and created a tumblr. I don’t know why I never created one in the beginning considering how I love to find fun things online. It’s great. Addicting. Along with stumble and rss feeds.

A friend and I were brainstorming ideas once for a blog and we came upon the topic of the men that were in our lives and I have quite a number of amusing stories that I can share, so perhaps my future posts will be a mixture of that and other oddities. I’ll still be posting here from time to time. Just not as much as I used to. For now, I’ll be posting lot here.

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August 27, 2007. August 2007, thoughts. Leave a comment.

useless ramblings or better known as brain farts.

I didn’t catch more than a 30 minute nap last night. Couldn’t sleep after getting off the phone  so I caught up on some photoshopping fun and then decided to make a bracelet out of a bunch of colorful strings and yarns I bought a long time ago. While putting wax on the end of the bracelet, stupid me forgot how close my hair was to the candle. I have a recollection of thinking.. what is that zztttt sound and burning smell? YIKES. There goes a bit of my bangs… At around 7AM, decided it was finally time to head to bed, rolled around in bed. The last time I glanced at my clock, it said 7:20AM.

8AM. My alarm on my phone blares on and on waking me. The first waking thought, “why is it so cold in my room??” Still in a daze, I lie in bed listening to the pitter patter of the morning rain. Fuck. Work today. Shower, dress, run out the door. FREEZING. Boring day at work. Doodled endlessly on paper till my coworker came in at 10:30. He’s a fairly new coworker so we bonded over hazy days of drugs and alcohol, memories of Taiwan, surfing and snowboarding. Was originally going to throw out the doodle I made but coworker thought it was cool so he decided to take it with him. “It looks trippy” (words from a former pothead, ofcourse) Headed to the mall after. Nothing better to get myself in a better mood than throwing down money on more useless necessities of mine.

Now it’s 6:40PM. Still freezing. Not used to this hot and cold temperature these days. I think it’s time to pass out and end this brain fart.

August 21, 2007. August 2007, thoughts. 2 comments.

A moment of thought.

There are some things I’m very sure about. Like how you will never be a part of my life again. It’s not something I’m going to spend my time mourning about, it just is. I thought a lot about it recently since you’ve tried to come back into my life and from the time we first started speaking again you’ve let me down countless of times. Can’t help and think how ironic that is. Just like how it used to be.

I have to admit how easy it is to fall back into an ease with you. I think it’s because you were a presence in my life for some time and there is this familiarity. This familiarity isn’t enough though. It isn’t enough for me to look past your faults, yet again.

You called me and asked me to come out for a bit. You reach out and give me an awkward hug. In the car you ask me what’s been going on in my life. I’m sitting in the same spot where I used to, with my legs on the dashboard, windows down and wind in my hair. I’m reluctant to tell you how much fun I’ve been having. I’m reluctant to tell you how much I didn’t miss you, that throughout the time your name did not surface much in my mind. It was a struggle that night, I wanted to tell you words that I’ve left unsaid but still the words did not leave my lips.

I called asking if you wanted to shoot, like old times. Plans fell through. I called and you’re doing something else with __. I never expected __ to come in between us. Though what right do I have to expect anything from you now? I suppose that is my fault, always expecting the best from others. It was always so hard with you. Push and pull. I always felt that I had to compete with others for your attention. It was never me on your mind. There were always other things, other people that were more important to you than I was.

A few nights ago I called with a voice filled with tears because I remember your words, call me, for anything. I should have known better that it was always words with you. Endless amounts of pretty words that hold no meaning. Those close to me know how hard it is for me to ask for help. Even when I have tears streaming down my face I always play everything off. I expected much more for you, I guess I always did. I guess I always miscalculated you.

I called to ask for a small favor. You let me down. Does anyone see a pattern here?

Even now when you try to come back into my life I find myself being let down by you again. You do recall it was you who wanted to come back into my life right? Funny, how it doesn’t seem that way. Funny, how even now I still feel bitterness towards you. I have too much going on in my life now that trying to fix whatever is left of this friendship is too tiresome for me.This friendship takes too much to hold together and it’s always just better without you here.

August 21, 2007. August 2007, thoughts. Leave a comment.

Message.

想要對妳說的 不敢說的愛

August 20, 2007. thoughts. Leave a comment.

Roadblock.

There is a lack of posting these days. I go through a phase of where there is so much to blog about that I don’t have enough time to post everything and then there is now. Words form in my head but I freeze and hesitate to type them out. I read back on my posts and all of them are always so gritty. The topics they spin around always revolve around the problems of my life and that is just a bit too depressing for me these days. I want to write but all that comes out is the obstacles and problems I’ve faced. Where did all my fun posts go?

I am excited for the future but I am also worried. There is so many problems in the way and one of them being finance. A goal I’ve set for myself is to transfer to an art school in Cali by Spring 08 but how is that even possible? With the kind of money I make right now and what mother makes isn’t enough to cover along with loans. What am I going to do? I find myself sitting in front of my desk in a daze these days because these goals seem so unreachable and it is a damned feeling to know that my goal, my dream is very easily squashed. I want to make it all happen, I need to make it all happen but so far, I see no solution. I’ve never wanted something this much and I’ve never been more focused but I’m stuck at a roadblock here with no other road in sight.

See? Talking about my problems again. I should just stop before I keep going with more miserable nonsense.

August 20, 2007. August 2007, fear, thoughts. Leave a comment.

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